unhindered by the appearance.

the importance of pen to paper and feeling free.

the real writing in photo form with the computerized character dictation below.

i've been thinking lately. and i've been trying to write my thoughts out on my blog. and although my thoughts are abundant, the words look wrong on screen. they don't feel genuine. don't offer the true satisfaction that i'm looking for in putting my thoughts into words.
and then this morning i came across a video where a woman commented on how she wrote love letters to people she didn't know to help in her own battle with depression.
my mind started spinning. there is something about touching the pen (or pencil or marker or crayon) to paper that is so truly involved and for me... real.

i sobbed when i shattered my wrist. but i completely lost it when i had to check myself out of the hospital and could not sign my own name. the pain could be treated. the pain was easily dealt with (most of the time). but the knowledge that i might not be able to write in my own handwriting again was unbearable.
at that particular point it was still unknown the true extent of my injury. still unknown if i would need surgery. unknown if i would ever regain the use of my wrist and hand. and the unknowing was the worst.

so from that point on i put my all into making it better.
i refused to allow the thought enter my mind that i would never write again. i put my all into trying to find ways to still teach college math without the ability to write on a white board.
sidenote: i might be good at many things in life, but writing (or even attempting to write) with my left hand is not one of those many things.
and i attempted to keep my wrist unmoved so as to best heal the bones.

as with so many things... just because you want them to happen doesn't make them happen. and my bones slipped out of place despite the cast covering my right arm from the midpoint of my fingers past my elbow.
surgery was my all of sudden future. metal holding my bones together. and in my mind... metal now dictating if i would ever be able to write again with pen to paper, marker to board.

looking back on that time i was truly terrified. and to this day i still hesitate when i pick up a writing utensil. still scared that my handwriting will appear different. appear inconsistent. fear still strikes as small bursts of pain surge through my hand and sometimes up through my arm.
but then i put the pen to the paper and the thoughts flow free, unhindered by the appearance they take on via the screens glow. the thoughts feel true. definite. they feel... free.

not the one you dream about.

my absence was not intentional. it was instead due to frustration and excitement. frustration over a job that was not for me. and excitement that this journey of life has brought me to a point i'm thrilled to be a part of. 

the journey i've been on is not the one they tell you about. not the one you dream about when you're little (or even when you're a 'grown up'). but it is MY journey. and every step of the way has been a moment in which i learned something... even if that 'something' was hard to immediately acknowledge. 

growing up i had the same dreams so many little girls shared. i was going to go to high school and then on to college. fall in love. graduate together. find a job i loved while i shared a life with someone i loved. have children and dote on them to an appropriate degree while balancing two extended families that wanted nothing more than to love us all.

(yes, i am laughing out loud at myself right now). 

that was the dream. that's what i honestly thought would happen... how i thought my life would look. 

reality is far from what we dream of when we are little girls. and that's been one of the most difficult things to learn.

so in the next few days (or let's be honest, probably weeks)... i want to share with you pieces of my journey and a few of the lessons i've learned as the journey has happened.

i want you to know that the dream may not come true like you thought it would and that you might not live 'happily ever after,' but you will make it. and it will be awesome.

and so we begin at the point where most start honestly thinking about 'the future.'

high school was socially hard (like really hard). i struggled to make it through amidst the several-thousand students. struggled to find 'my place.' struggled to do much of anything besides smile to hide the pain i felt. and then i made a big decision towards the end of high school... to go to a small college. to forego even applying to the school i had loved since birth, the school that everyone in my family still joined forces to cheer for on football saturday's.

although i didn't get it immediately, the lessons learned during this time are ones i still remind myself of daily: keep going. it will get better... eventually. it's not about the social circle you're in, but rather the person you decide you want to be. and it's about smiling. even when it hurts.

today... smile. say hello to the person you walk by every day and never truly notice. it will make a difference in both of your lives. (i promise).  

let's change the world.

it's now that i can voice why my current job is not the end all, be all for my employment situation. although i have known it since the day i started, putting a 'reason,' a 'reality' to it has been hard. and finding the words to explain it has been even harder.

but through looking at the community around me, looking within myself, listening to lots of inspirational speakers, thinking about my past experiences, etc., i've realized... i had it right when i wrote the summary for my linkedin profile:

My goal in life and in work is to have the ability to help people make the changes they want to see in the world. I want to help people; to be their resource and shoulder in their pursuits. I want to provide the chance for personal development in others and create not only their greatest imagined potential, but a reality that is actually far past what they may imagine.

where i'm at now i'm not helping make change. i'm not moving others forward. i'm not creating chances for personal development in others.
i am left to change headings. worry about things that don't (in my mind) need to be worried about. redo the same thing twenty times before i'm told to resort back to what my original thought was.

it's not motivating. it's not making a difference. it's simply... work.
and that's never who i've wanted to be. never what i've wanted to do.

(this is the point you tell me, well in your free time you could do all those other things)... and you're right. and i do. but being in a place where you are continually required to do things that don't really matter in your eyes is well... draining.

i'm tired of being drained at the end of the day from doing nothing. i want to put my heart into what i do. every day. in every way i possibly can.
and i'm ready for that (have been ready for that).

it's time to get back to helping. get back to being a resource. a shoulder. a chance for growth and new-found potential.
it's time i put the words to what is frustrating rather than just being frustrated.

let's change the world.

invasion of the hook-up culture.

and so i wondered... and wondered some more. about the question of communication and it's reflection on society's difficulty with commitment. the constant need for more. the constant search for something better.

until i got knocked over the head with an insight that lead to my personal conclusion via the form of a (not so) sweet little facebook message. my conclusion: a simple yes. 

our lack of REAL communication does reflect on society's difficulty with commitment.

maybe i'm nostalgic for a day when you could read people's faces instead of their thoughts in the form of lettered characters. (and not even individualized lettered characters at that). or maybe i'm just sick of little bubbles that pop up with words a person would never say to another person's face.

either way, our communication habits HAVE changed the world of relationships. our habits have created a never-ending search. and that never-ending search has led to a culture that doesn't know how to (nor really want to) commit. 

the hook-up culture of the college campus has invaded. and is in the process of taking over... guess it's time we cross our finger's, clasp our hands, and hope the hook-ups don't wipe out the real that is still out there. 

real communication? eh?

the response was short. pithy (without meaning to be). it was a text. there were a thousand other things running through the mind and a beep-beep from the oven in the background.
but it changed it all. one letter. the mood was broken. the possibility shattered.


how do we communicate in this era of multiple screens and yet still live in the moment? how do we communicate feeling via 140 characters? how do we do it all (and stay sane at the same time)?

i sit at my desk this afternoon thinking about how much i crave communication. constant communication. (the two monitors, one ipad, and one iphone really help fill this desire).
but i sit at home each evening struck by the lack of REAL communication in my life. the lack of true relational communication.

is there an answer to this question of communication? is there a way to turn off and yet stay on at the same time? i wish i knew.


(and then i wonder, is this question of communication a direct reflection on society's difficulty with commitment? a reflection of the constant need for more? the constant search for something better?)  

embody it: strength.

photo: dan gill

funky cloud - go away!

there's been this funky cloud hanging around lately. a cloud that has kept me in a consistent 'not so good' mood. and i finally realized why the cloud wouldn't move.
it wouldn't leave me alone because i forgot something big. really big. 

i forgot that i was a strong woman. a woman who by the age of twenty-two had served as the president of her sorority, the president of her student body (for two years), the president of panhellenic on campus, the founder of a couple different organizations, the winner of multiple campus and community-wide awards, and a recipient of a bachelors degree in graphic design and business.

i forgot that all of that catapulted me on a wild journey (one that required me to learn how to truly leap and believe) to texas. i forgot that straight out of college i was accepted into a graduate program at baylor university, where i was given the opportunity to serve as the graduate assistant for campus programming. i forgot that while maintaining a full schedule of classes, etc., i planned, organized, implemented, and did design for many of the largest programs and events on campus and the community.

i forgot that the journey continued through accusations that (should have) resulted in lawsuits. i forgot that when my name was thrown through the mud at that institution i took on a full-time job and continued my education. i forgot that i held my head high and mastered my masters degree in educational administration for student affairs administration through that shadow. i forgot i didn't let anything hold me back.

i forgot that while many of my friends at that institution turned their backs on me because of the accusations, i dove into the job i had at the time. i forgot that i put a smile on the faces of so many people.

i also forgot that i was granted the opportunity to teach at a college that is truly changing the lives of those that attend it. i forgot that i was the teacher that students asked for. i forgot that by teaching an adult how to add 2+2, i changed her life. i changed his life. i changed their children's (and grandchildren's) lives.

i forgot that i put me second in coming back to my hometown. i forgot that i left a job (career) i loved and moved back to columbia because my family needed me. i forgot that the reason i left so many awesome people and wonderful opportunities was because i put what was best for others before what i wanted.

i forgot how much strength that all took. i forgot that through it all i have kept a smile on my face. i have put my all into the job i currently have (even when the tears stream down my face). i have joined organizations, served on boards, continued to give.

i am strong. i do have a family i cherish. i have a sweet puppy that has eyes of love only for me.

i might not be where i want to be professionally. i might be written off by some people because i hang out with my family. i might speak out of turn. i might enjoy a glass (or two) of wine. and i might not have many friends (much less a husband and children of my own).
but i am strong. and i do bring a completely different knowledge base to every meeting. every post. and every thought.

and i am on the journey. and on the journey you have to remember. remember the strength it takes to get up and move throughout each day. on the journey i have to remember: i am worth it. i am real. and i am strong. 

not always the case.

when you wake up in the morning and have a sweet puppy looking up at you with eyes that suggest nothing but love... you expect your friday to go well. 

however, this is not always the case.

when the work portion of your friday begins with a meeting at a coffee shop... you also expect your friday to go well. 

once again, not always the case.

sometimes friday bites you in the behind. even when at the beginning all signs point toward good things. this is the point at which you should just bite your lip and grab another cup of coffee (or have your birthday girl sister bring you one at work). 

at least you know you'll be awake when friday really starts -- after work. 

logo overload.

i get attached (to work, to life, to projects, to people). sidenote: attachment is not a bad thing. in fact, i think my attachment often enables me to push through and achieve a final result that i'm happy with.

when that attachment and intense energy toward a project is struck down because of a lack of logos... i get irritated. we are a community that loves our logos. a community that embraces creativity. a community that likes to identify with brands.
but we are also a community immersed in logo overload. and at some point, design and function have to come together.

one logo = good.
three logos & your company name written out multiple times = bad.

creating something for an incoming generation of college/graduate students is not about logo overload. it's about the 'cool' factor. it's about the design and function. (by the way,  i do have a decent background in college students, not only was i a college student, but i was also a graduate student, and i got my masters degree in working with college students - so really, i'm not just making this up). 

so throw out the outdated logos. throw out the outdated desire to include your name on everything that everyone touches.

entice with design. get the material in hand. and then make them want it.
students don't want to be told what to do. they want the chance to make the decision on their own. and they want to feel like they're doing the 'cool' thing.

end story - one logo is more than enough.
lack of logo and simple hashtag or web address... even more exciting.

gray wall: meet can of paint.

this morning i sat in on an entrepreneurial session. listened to people talk about their start-ups. listened to awesome ideas and was overwhelmed by the amount of brain power i could literally feel within the room.

(exciting, yes)! my mind was racing. the thoughts were coming from my mouth in a completely non-understandable format. the images were leaping from brain wave to brain wave.

but then i walked into my own workplace... and i was overwhelmingly drained. not because of the overt thought processes that had just occurred, but rather because all i could see was the gray wall in front of me that seemingly repels the taste of 'new.'

i have ideas. i have good ideas. i want to help those people with awesome ideas get to 'the people' they want to reach. and i can. problem solving is fun for me. give me a puzzle and let's make the picture whole. let's find something to fill that empty void that is a result of a piece gone missing ten years ago. let's make it work (to borrow from tim gunn).

the company i work for just doesn't work that way. there are hierarchies. there are processes. there are rules. there is not 'on the spot' problem solving. no 'on the spot' creation. definitely no running with it because it could be the next big thing.

is it crazy to want to work outside of those rules? crazy to think that working outside those rules can actually move things forward? crazy to think that sometimes you just have to throw a can of paint at the gray wall and hope for the best?

i hope it's not crazy. the can of paint is coming.

the awkward bump.

disclaimer: this is not the post where i announce i'm pregnant despite the reference to a 'bump' in the title.

instead. this is a reference to an article i read earlier today. a reference to 'the single life.' a reference to the hope we all hold onto for that awkward bump that leads to more. that leads to forever.

maybe i'm crazy OR maybe i just live in this world where i'm under the spell of the fairy tale. either way. i'm good with it.

i like living with the hope. i like believing in true love (even if i know true love is something that takes time, work, communication... and compromise... among a million other things). i like believing that true love is still possible in a world where weiner communicates via text and facebook with every woman he can lure into his fantasy despite having a wife who stands at his side as it all comes crashing down.

i might be nearing the age of thirty and not yet found that perfect 'career'. i might be single. i might own a condo and have a puppy. but i still believe the fairy tale is possible for me (and anyone else for that matter).
what's the point of giving in and going with it for something that is merely comfortable?

the fairy tale is not comfortable. it is real. through the ups and downs. through the kisses and late-night fights. and this is me hoping. me offering up hope for everyone else in the same place.

it's out there. the awkward bump that leads to more. the awkward bump that leads to a life spent in tandem. the awkward bump that brings two people together to extend the family you already know and love.

so as the weekend arrives... cheers to believing. cheers to hoping.
cheers to the awkward bump.

cheers to never reliving high school.

i'm behind the times. (especially when it comes to television shows).
and i just now started watching gossip girl. about 10 years late.

but it makes me feel special because... for the first time in my life, i have the hip phone. the one that isn't even available in the world of the early seasons of gossip girl. i'm light years ahead of the almighty popular crowd (and let me tell you, this is not something that happened on a regular basis during my high school years).

so thank you, gossip girl, for allowing me to be cool... even if it is ten years too late.

the weekend i became a fair queen judge.

(now where's my reality show?)

but really, this past weekend i became a fair queen judge. complete with bio announcement, special seating, and a light so i could write down my scores.

i must say, one of my favorite parts of the journey to fair queen judge was the drive north through the country. the endless farmland made me want to be a farmer (or a farmer's wife). even though i know what a tough life it can be... there's something simple and majestic that is on exhibit around every turn.
even in the man stopped on the side of the highway cutting wildflowers to take home to his (i'm guessing) sweetheart.

simple. i long for that. long for the chance to not worry about if i have the 'latest' clothes, 'latest' shoes, 'latest' boyfriend.
i want to raise children to appreciate the beauty around them. the beauty in the birth of an animal. the beauty in watching a storm take over the horizon.

to experience the nation. not just to experience the daily grind. i want to teach through exploration. learn through trying it out. and love because in the end, it's really all we can do.

do you want to run away with me? a camper? a computer? a camera? and maybe a stop along the way to judge a fair queen pageant...
(let's go. let's leave it all behind).

were you wondering?
i said i would be better at this. i promised myself i would be.
(and then i left town)

traveled via car through 11 states in a mere 10 days with stopovers in florida and texas. vacation is supposed to be therapeutic, relaxing, worthy of the time you take off from work... and i guess in many ways this jaunt across the southern states was all those things. but there's a piece of me that wonders now that i'm back and trying to get in the everyday groove.

was it?
i'll let you decide. stay tuned.

the journey to me. beginning.

yesterday. i said i should 'start writing. start thinking. start talking honestly. in a hope that reality is found.' today. i migrate blogs and aim to do that. welcome to this journey.below is a post from elsewhere that i wrote yesterday. i invite you to read it and others. to see who 'me' is and who 'me' is trying to be.

i might just win an award… for most absent blogger. but reality says (despite best intentions), that’s what happens when you move across states, start a new career, volunteer for multiple organizations, have family stresses to take care of, buy a condo, get a puppy, and actually would LIKE to have a social life.
in other words. i’ve been busy. the type of busy that is demanding, hectic, and most of all… tiring.
and now, 9 months after moving back to missouri, i’m finally at a place that it’s all slowed down (by a mere ONE or TWO mph, but still). i had questions posed by those around me. i had to think. i had to put the past year in perspective. i had to truly engage the past. 
where am i going? what am i doing? what do i want? what did not work previously? who am i?  
running (not in a literal, lace up your shoes and go outside way… but in a mental, occupy your time with anything else to keep from thinking about it way). that’s been my goal. to keep running. to stay as far from the answers as was possible at any given moment.
so now the question becomes… how do i get off this familiar path? how do i stop running and become ‘me?’ the full me. the adaptable and confident me. the me that is more than just… busy.
(i guess i start writing. start thinking. start talking honestly. in a hope that reality is found).