the 'some' days.

there is simply an overwhelming weight pressing in some days. an overwhelming weight with an unknown source (or possibly a known one that is difficult to fully verbalize). 

depression sucks the life out of you sometimes. and then the anxiety sucks it even further. 

now you're not just depressed. but you're also too anxious about why you're depressed to even lift your coffee cup. your insides feel like they are constricting in on themselves. your head is swimming in a sea of nothingness (compounded by the fact that you can't force yourself to eat when nothing has taste... even your favorite sandwich). 

this is depression at its finest. when even the medication is not doing its job. 

this is generalized anxiety at its finest. when even the breathing exercises, the medications, the self-talk... is not doing its job. 

you search for inspirational quotes to somehow get you out of the funk. but they only make you cry. 

you search for uplifting music to make you smile. but even the happiest of songs makes you tear up. 

these are the 'some' days. these are the 'some' days that make living with depression and anxiety so difficult to maneuver. these are the 'some' days when you wish you could just curl up in a ball. the 'some' days when you wish one (just one) person would ask you how you are and want to know the honest answer. 

these are the 'some' days when it hurts to even go through the motions (and the worst part is there's no reason for the hurt).

the lasting effects of 'it's just boys being boys.'

a month ago i took the time to write about my thoughts on the true spirit of democracy. although my thoughts have not changed and i still hate political scheming and political posturing... the events of the past week have left me raw.

i wish that the conversations being had about sexual harassment and sexual assault were mainstream when i was growing up. i wish that i had felt as though i could speak out when the worst happened to me. i wish that my being silenced and ridiculed for saying something would have led to positive change instead of fear. 

and i believe we are at a point in history where women (and all people) are now offered the ability to speak out. are provided the space. the support. the belief in them. 

but the comments throughout this past week terrify me because they shake that core. they make me doubt that others will feel safe stepping up and saying a behavior, an action, a string of words, is wrong. they make me doubt that the amazing strides that have been made will be lasting.

those doubts tear at me. 

for the 8th grader who cried almost everyday because of the actions of a few boys who thought it was funny to grab at nonexistent breasts and endlessly harass her both verbally and physically. for that girl who told her teacher (in tears) how much it hurt her. and for that girl who had the teacher tell her, 'it's just boys being boys, grow up.' 

for that girl that was silenced for so many years because of that statement. for that girl who thought that it was her duty to stay silent from that point on and just accept it (no matter how many times it happened and by how many different individuals throughout the years). for that girl who internalized those comments and came to see herself as less... for that girl... for me... i cannot stand the thought of others being silenced. of others feeling like they cannot come forward and be believed. 

and for all who have thought they were less because of the actions or words of another, for all of those who were silenced, for all of those who were told it was 'just boys being boys'... the comments of this presidential race should infuriate you. 

we are all worth it. we should not (and will not) be silenced. 

the true spirit of democracy.

i love democracy. i actually don't even mind politics. but i hate political scheming. and political posturing. and drawing lines in the sand that determine who is right and who is wrong. 

democracy: 'a state of society characterized by formal equality of rights and privileges; political or social equality.' 

the united states of america was founded on the concept of democracy. founded on the idea that all people deserved to be on an equal playing field. (yes, obviously there were points in history where that was not always the case... and those are not points of our nation's history that should be celebrated). 

but what should be celebrated is that american people came together in those points of history to step up. to make a difference for those in the future. for us. and i am grateful for that. so very grateful. 

in the past week i've been reflecting on this. reflecting on the thought of what 'democracy' is... what it looks like in reality. and how that is seen (or not seen) in our everyday lives. and i'm sad to say i think the current political state of our nation leading up to this presidential election has only succeeded in eroding the sense of democracy. 

#everdaysexism is rampant. and it's showing itself in the form of political pundits intent on getting 'their guy' elected. i was informed (not so politely) at a tailgate over the weekend that our nation was better when women stayed at home and men were allowed to do whatever they so desired. i was informed that it was not my place to have any control over my own life or my own career. i was informed that the only place i should have even a bit of control over was my home (because i was to tend to the home and make sure everything was just right for the man). 

i wanted to say so much. i wanted to tell this individual that they had lost their mind. i wanted to lose it on them. 

but. i realized something. short of a very brief point i made... it was not worth continuing this particular conversation and i walked away knowing that there was no positive movement that would come from further interaction.

i come from a place where i believe in listening to all points of view. believe in the reality that all people are allowed to have their own opinions (and honestly, i appreciate that we are a nation that usually celebrates varied opinions). and i come from a place where i don't want to change your views, but rather i seek to understand your views and expect the same respect from you. 

lines in the sand have never succeeded in moving our nation forward. but reaching across those lines and aiming for understanding... well that has succeeded in moving our nation forward. 

i encourage all of us to keep this in mind during conversations about the upcoming election(s) and politics in general. i encourage all of us to realize that beliefs are formed over long periods of time. beliefs are ours. and ours alone. we can coexist with differing beliefs. but we must do so respectfully. 

here's to democracy. the true spirit of democracy. 

and i can be positive. a few thoughts on 'fault.'

we landed in vegas. a fun weekend away for the two of us. a time to relax. a moment to step out of the every day. and as i turn my phone back on from airplane mode... a sinking feeling.

a missed call and voice mail from the specialist. not her nurse. a message from the actual specialist. and one i probably should have chosen to wait to listen to until after our mini-vacation. (but let's be honest, who is actually good at patience when it comes to things like getting information from a doctor?)

all the noises of the plane and the people around me quickly faded from my mind. sole focus. the voice mail beckoning to me. and so i listened.

the specialist. calling with the results of my lab tests. 'your labs are all normal except your vitamin d levels... there's no cause (other than what was previously discussed) for your low bone mass... there is not any other treatment that we can offer.'

my immediate response was simply to turn next to me and state, 'it's my fault. it's all my fault. there's nothing else that can be done.'

when in vegas... you push such news away. out of sight. out of mind. enjoy the steak. enjoy the wine. enjoy the people-watching.

but when you get back to reality the news is still out there. and grappling with the concept of 'fault' bubbles to the forefront.

is it really my fault? did i do this to myself? should i get a second opinion? what does this mean for my future? for our future?

and then... i realize that the one thing i cannot do is 'blame' anyone or anything. this is where i am. this is what is happening. plain and simple. i can encourage others to not reach the same point. i can listen when others are going through similar situations that might have contributed to the place i have reached. and i can be positive (if about nothing else... about the fact that i love my feet).  

all the cheese.

and the sweet nurse summed up my time at the specialist in the best way possible after what i'm sure was all of the blood in my body had been taken for tests... 'my dear... you've earned yourself 15 minutes laying down with a cold compress on your head!' i guess that's what happens when you immediately begin to feel like you're going to faint due to a major loss of blood! (and let that be a reminder to all as to why i don't donate blood... my body simply can't lose that much blood at once).

but all in all... it's great when a new doctor takes the time to listen. and not only listen, but also be a straight-shooter. no glossing over realities. no promises. but also, no judgment.

the reality is the 'it' i previously mentioned most likely has played a GIGANTIC role in my current situation. that's life. and there is no way to go back and change what previously happened. there is only acceptance that now i move forward from this point. that i realize my body (no matter it's shape, size, or ability to dictate my feelings) is worth fighting for.

don't get me wrong... we didn't just accept that as the only reason for where i currently find myself. there are tests being run (hence the major blood draw). and results will be forthcoming at which point a true plan of action will be put into place. but for the foreseeable future, i get to eat all the cheese i want to! (a major plus and a great reason for queso to be at any and every event moving forward).

this all might sound crazy to many. and i want you to know, i'm not asking for nor expecting anyone to feel sorry for me. my 'it,' my disordered eating, is and always will be a selfish endeavor. but when 'it' takes hold and you are its captive for the majority of your life, it is hard to see beyond those thoughts that have become truth in your mind. thankfully, my habits have changed in the past 5ish years, but 'it' never goes away... and that's why you will most likely never find me without a snack somewhere nearby. and you will also never find me not telling myself that it will be okay in the end and that although a daily decision, eating is healthy.

when the 'it' decided to make a stand.

full disclosure: i go through droughts. i go through periods when i forget how much i love writing. but i come back to it. my mind begins to not focus. begins to need an outlet. and so i return to writing. and so, here i am. writing. sharing my (rather personal) thoughts with the hope that maybe they reach someone that needs to know they're not alone in their own journey (whatever that journey might be).

it's best to begin where my thoughts begin to unravel. the point where (looking back) i should have seen it coming. i should have known 'it' would catch up to me at some point. (but that would have required putting a name to 'it'). 'it' is the looming voice that existed in my mind (and body) for as long as i can remember. 'it' is the unhealthy and unrealistic vision i've always lived with that the only necessary reason for eating is to fulfill the overwhelming feeling of hunger.

and now... i sound like a cliche. a 30-something woman with a full-time job that she (mostly) loves. a past that includes some pain, but also a lot of happiness. but a 30-something woman who has never weighed over 100 pounds and for the longest time, hated her body on most days. it is only in the recent past that i came to the conclusion that i had to wake up every day. wake up and tell myself, 'today, i will eat. today, i will eat because it is healthy. eating allows me to function. to love. and to excel.' this is a journey. a journey that never ends, but one that (i believe) has made me a stronger woman.

but then the 'it' decided to make a stand. the 'it' decided to roar back into my life through the words spoken to me over a phone by a nurse i had never met. the words that i can't get out of my head. 'you have osteoporosis in your spine.' (silence). 'and your hips are borderline.' (silence). and then all the feelings in the world come streaming forth. words. so difficult to grasp for. questions. unable to be formed.

those words. they put me in a group. a group previously reserved in my mind (and in the mind of most people) for tiny old women withering away from a life well lived.

and no, it has not been determined in all finality that the reason for the premenstrual osteoporosis is due to the 'it' i have dealt with most of my life. but the signs are there in every google search (and yes, i know i should just stop). in every document related to premenstrual osteoporosis. and it is that which scares me. that which makes me question so much of who i am, who i want to be, and what i want out of life.

i rest on my belief that the patterns of life are never realized ahead of time. they are only seen upon retrospection. and although i go forth with butterflies in my stomach to a specialist appointment this afternoon, i have a will to find out the best course of action as i move forward... holding tight to the desire to figure this out and the desire to always fight hard.

unhindered by the appearance.

the importance of pen to paper and feeling free.

the real writing in photo form with the computerized character dictation below.

i've been thinking lately. and i've been trying to write my thoughts out on my blog. and although my thoughts are abundant, the words look wrong on screen. they don't feel genuine. don't offer the true satisfaction that i'm looking for in putting my thoughts into words.
and then this morning i came across a video where a woman commented on how she wrote love letters to people she didn't know to help in her own battle with depression.
my mind started spinning. there is something about touching the pen (or pencil or marker or crayon) to paper that is so truly involved and for me... real.

i sobbed when i shattered my wrist. but i completely lost it when i had to check myself out of the hospital and could not sign my own name. the pain could be treated. the pain was easily dealt with (most of the time). but the knowledge that i might not be able to write in my own handwriting again was unbearable.
at that particular point it was still unknown the true extent of my injury. still unknown if i would need surgery. unknown if i would ever regain the use of my wrist and hand. and the unknowing was the worst.

so from that point on i put my all into making it better.
i refused to allow the thought enter my mind that i would never write again. i put my all into trying to find ways to still teach college math without the ability to write on a white board.
sidenote: i might be good at many things in life, but writing (or even attempting to write) with my left hand is not one of those many things.
and i attempted to keep my wrist unmoved so as to best heal the bones.

as with so many things... just because you want them to happen doesn't make them happen. and my bones slipped out of place despite the cast covering my right arm from the midpoint of my fingers past my elbow.
surgery was my all of sudden future. metal holding my bones together. and in my mind... metal now dictating if i would ever be able to write again with pen to paper, marker to board.

looking back on that time i was truly terrified. and to this day i still hesitate when i pick up a writing utensil. still scared that my handwriting will appear different. appear inconsistent. fear still strikes as small bursts of pain surge through my hand and sometimes up through my arm.
but then i put the pen to the paper and the thoughts flow free, unhindered by the appearance they take on via the screens glow. the thoughts feel true. definite. they feel... free.