all the cheese.

and the sweet nurse summed up my time at the specialist in the best way possible after what i'm sure was all of the blood in my body had been taken for tests... 'my dear... you've earned yourself 15 minutes laying down with a cold compress on your head!' i guess that's what happens when you immediately begin to feel like you're going to faint due to a major loss of blood! (and let that be a reminder to all as to why i don't donate blood... my body simply can't lose that much blood at once).

but all in all... it's great when a new doctor takes the time to listen. and not only listen, but also be a straight-shooter. no glossing over realities. no promises. but also, no judgment.

the reality is the 'it' i previously mentioned most likely has played a GIGANTIC role in my current situation. that's life. and there is no way to go back and change what previously happened. there is only acceptance that now i move forward from this point. that i realize my body (no matter it's shape, size, or ability to dictate my feelings) is worth fighting for.

don't get me wrong... we didn't just accept that as the only reason for where i currently find myself. there are tests being run (hence the major blood draw). and results will be forthcoming at which point a true plan of action will be put into place. but for the foreseeable future, i get to eat all the cheese i want to! (a major plus and a great reason for queso to be at any and every event moving forward).

this all might sound crazy to many. and i want you to know, i'm not asking for nor expecting anyone to feel sorry for me. my 'it,' my disordered eating, is and always will be a selfish endeavor. but when 'it' takes hold and you are its captive for the majority of your life, it is hard to see beyond those thoughts that have become truth in your mind. thankfully, my habits have changed in the past 5ish years, but 'it' never goes away... and that's why you will most likely never find me without a snack somewhere nearby. and you will also never find me not telling myself that it will be okay in the end and that although a daily decision, eating is healthy.