when the 'it' decided to make a stand.

full disclosure: i go through droughts. i go through periods when i forget how much i love writing. but i come back to it. my mind begins to not focus. begins to need an outlet. and so i return to writing. and so, here i am. writing. sharing my (rather personal) thoughts with the hope that maybe they reach someone that needs to know they're not alone in their own journey (whatever that journey might be).

it's best to begin where my thoughts begin to unravel. the point where (looking back) i should have seen it coming. i should have known 'it' would catch up to me at some point. (but that would have required putting a name to 'it'). 'it' is the looming voice that existed in my mind (and body) for as long as i can remember. 'it' is the unhealthy and unrealistic vision i've always lived with that the only necessary reason for eating is to fulfill the overwhelming feeling of hunger.

and now... i sound like a cliche. a 30-something woman with a full-time job that she (mostly) loves. a past that includes some pain, but also a lot of happiness. but a 30-something woman who has never weighed over 100 pounds and for the longest time, hated her body on most days. it is only in the recent past that i came to the conclusion that i had to wake up every day. wake up and tell myself, 'today, i will eat. today, i will eat because it is healthy. eating allows me to function. to love. and to excel.' this is a journey. a journey that never ends, but one that (i believe) has made me a stronger woman.

but then the 'it' decided to make a stand. the 'it' decided to roar back into my life through the words spoken to me over a phone by a nurse i had never met. the words that i can't get out of my head. 'you have osteoporosis in your spine.' (silence). 'and your hips are borderline.' (silence). and then all the feelings in the world come streaming forth. words. so difficult to grasp for. questions. unable to be formed.

those words. they put me in a group. a group previously reserved in my mind (and in the mind of most people) for tiny old women withering away from a life well lived.

and no, it has not been determined in all finality that the reason for the premenstrual osteoporosis is due to the 'it' i have dealt with most of my life. but the signs are there in every google search (and yes, i know i should just stop). in every document related to premenstrual osteoporosis. and it is that which scares me. that which makes me question so much of who i am, who i want to be, and what i want out of life.

i rest on my belief that the patterns of life are never realized ahead of time. they are only seen upon retrospection. and although i go forth with butterflies in my stomach to a specialist appointment this afternoon, i have a will to find out the best course of action as i move forward... holding tight to the desire to figure this out and the desire to always fight hard.