we landed in vegas. a fun weekend away for the two of us. a time to relax. a moment to step out of the every day. and as i turn my phone back on from airplane mode... a sinking feeling.
a missed call and voice mail from the specialist. not her nurse. a message from the actual specialist. and one i probably should have chosen to wait to listen to until after our mini-vacation. (but let's be honest, who is actually good at patience when it comes to things like getting information from a doctor?)
all the noises of the plane and the people around me quickly faded from my mind. sole focus. the voice mail beckoning to me. and so i listened.
the specialist. calling with the results of my lab tests. 'your labs are all normal except your vitamin d levels... there's no cause (other than what was previously discussed) for your low bone mass... there is not any other treatment that we can offer.'
my immediate response was simply to turn next to me and state, 'it's my fault. it's all my fault. there's nothing else that can be done.'
when in vegas... you push such news away. out of sight. out of mind. enjoy the steak. enjoy the wine. enjoy the people-watching.
but when you get back to reality the news is still out there. and grappling with the concept of 'fault' bubbles to the forefront.
is it really my fault? did i do this to myself? should i get a second opinion? what does this mean for my future? for our future?
and then... i realize that the one thing i cannot do is 'blame' anyone or anything. this is where i am. this is what is happening. plain and simple. i can encourage others to not reach the same point. i can listen when others are going through similar situations that might have contributed to the place i have reached. and i can be positive (if about nothing else... about the fact that i love my feet).
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