and the sweet nurse summed up my time at the specialist in the best way possible after what i'm sure was all of the blood in my body had been taken for tests... 'my dear... you've earned yourself 15 minutes laying down with a cold compress on your head!' i guess that's what happens when you immediately begin to feel like you're going to faint due to a major loss of blood! (and let that be a reminder to all as to why i don't donate blood... my body simply can't lose that much blood at once).
but all in all... it's great when a new doctor takes the time to listen. and not only listen, but also be a straight-shooter. no glossing over realities. no promises. but also, no judgment.
the reality is the 'it' i previously mentioned most likely has played a GIGANTIC role in my current situation. that's life. and there is no way to go back and change what previously happened. there is only acceptance that now i move forward from this point. that i realize my body (no matter it's shape, size, or ability to dictate my feelings) is worth fighting for.
don't get me wrong... we didn't just accept that as the only reason for where i currently find myself. there are tests being run (hence the major blood draw). and results will be forthcoming at which point a true plan of action will be put into place. but for the foreseeable future, i get to eat all the cheese i want to! (a major plus and a great reason for queso to be at any and every event moving forward).
this all might sound crazy to many. and i want you to know, i'm not asking for nor expecting anyone to feel sorry for me. my 'it,' my disordered eating, is and always will be a selfish endeavor. but when 'it' takes hold and you are its captive for the majority of your life, it is hard to see beyond those thoughts that have become truth in your mind. thankfully, my habits have changed in the past 5ish years, but 'it' never goes away... and that's why you will most likely never find me without a snack somewhere nearby. and you will also never find me not telling myself that it will be okay in the end and that although a daily decision, eating is healthy.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Thursday, March 24, 2016
when the 'it' decided to make a stand.
full disclosure: i go through droughts. i go through periods when i forget how much i love writing. but i come back to it. my mind begins to not focus. begins to need an outlet. and so i return to writing. and so, here i am. writing. sharing my (rather personal) thoughts with the hope that maybe they reach someone that needs to know they're not alone in their own journey (whatever that journey might be).
it's best to begin where my thoughts begin to unravel. the point where (looking back) i should have seen it coming. i should have known 'it' would catch up to me at some point. (but that would have required putting a name to 'it'). 'it' is the looming voice that existed in my mind (and body) for as long as i can remember. 'it' is the unhealthy and unrealistic vision i've always lived with that the only necessary reason for eating is to fulfill the overwhelming feeling of hunger.
and now... i sound like a cliche. a 30-something woman with a full-time job that she (mostly) loves. a past that includes some pain, but also a lot of happiness. but a 30-something woman who has never weighed over 100 pounds and for the longest time, hated her body on most days. it is only in the recent past that i came to the conclusion that i had to wake up every day. wake up and tell myself, 'today, i will eat. today, i will eat because it is healthy. eating allows me to function. to love. and to excel.' this is a journey. a journey that never ends, but one that (i believe) has made me a stronger woman.
but then the 'it' decided to make a stand. the 'it' decided to roar back into my life through the words spoken to me over a phone by a nurse i had never met. the words that i can't get out of my head. 'you have osteoporosis in your spine.' (silence). 'and your hips are borderline.' (silence). and then all the feelings in the world come streaming forth. words. so difficult to grasp for. questions. unable to be formed.
those words. they put me in a group. a group previously reserved in my mind (and in the mind of most people) for tiny old women withering away from a life well lived.
and no, it has not been determined in all finality that the reason for the premenstrual osteoporosis is due to the 'it' i have dealt with most of my life. but the signs are there in every google search (and yes, i know i should just stop). in every document related to premenstrual osteoporosis. and it is that which scares me. that which makes me question so much of who i am, who i want to be, and what i want out of life.
i rest on my belief that the patterns of life are never realized ahead of time. they are only seen upon retrospection. and although i go forth with butterflies in my stomach to a specialist appointment this afternoon, i have a will to find out the best course of action as i move forward... holding tight to the desire to figure this out and the desire to always fight hard.
it's best to begin where my thoughts begin to unravel. the point where (looking back) i should have seen it coming. i should have known 'it' would catch up to me at some point. (but that would have required putting a name to 'it'). 'it' is the looming voice that existed in my mind (and body) for as long as i can remember. 'it' is the unhealthy and unrealistic vision i've always lived with that the only necessary reason for eating is to fulfill the overwhelming feeling of hunger.
and now... i sound like a cliche. a 30-something woman with a full-time job that she (mostly) loves. a past that includes some pain, but also a lot of happiness. but a 30-something woman who has never weighed over 100 pounds and for the longest time, hated her body on most days. it is only in the recent past that i came to the conclusion that i had to wake up every day. wake up and tell myself, 'today, i will eat. today, i will eat because it is healthy. eating allows me to function. to love. and to excel.' this is a journey. a journey that never ends, but one that (i believe) has made me a stronger woman.
but then the 'it' decided to make a stand. the 'it' decided to roar back into my life through the words spoken to me over a phone by a nurse i had never met. the words that i can't get out of my head. 'you have osteoporosis in your spine.' (silence). 'and your hips are borderline.' (silence). and then all the feelings in the world come streaming forth. words. so difficult to grasp for. questions. unable to be formed.
those words. they put me in a group. a group previously reserved in my mind (and in the mind of most people) for tiny old women withering away from a life well lived.
and no, it has not been determined in all finality that the reason for the premenstrual osteoporosis is due to the 'it' i have dealt with most of my life. but the signs are there in every google search (and yes, i know i should just stop). in every document related to premenstrual osteoporosis. and it is that which scares me. that which makes me question so much of who i am, who i want to be, and what i want out of life.
i rest on my belief that the patterns of life are never realized ahead of time. they are only seen upon retrospection. and although i go forth with butterflies in my stomach to a specialist appointment this afternoon, i have a will to find out the best course of action as i move forward... holding tight to the desire to figure this out and the desire to always fight hard.
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