funky cloud - go away!

there's been this funky cloud hanging around lately. a cloud that has kept me in a consistent 'not so good' mood. and i finally realized why the cloud wouldn't move.
it wouldn't leave me alone because i forgot something big. really big. 

i forgot that i was a strong woman. a woman who by the age of twenty-two had served as the president of her sorority, the president of her student body (for two years), the president of panhellenic on campus, the founder of a couple different organizations, the winner of multiple campus and community-wide awards, and a recipient of a bachelors degree in graphic design and business.

i forgot that all of that catapulted me on a wild journey (one that required me to learn how to truly leap and believe) to texas. i forgot that straight out of college i was accepted into a graduate program at baylor university, where i was given the opportunity to serve as the graduate assistant for campus programming. i forgot that while maintaining a full schedule of classes, etc., i planned, organized, implemented, and did design for many of the largest programs and events on campus and the community.

i forgot that the journey continued through accusations that (should have) resulted in lawsuits. i forgot that when my name was thrown through the mud at that institution i took on a full-time job and continued my education. i forgot that i held my head high and mastered my masters degree in educational administration for student affairs administration through that shadow. i forgot i didn't let anything hold me back.

i forgot that while many of my friends at that institution turned their backs on me because of the accusations, i dove into the job i had at the time. i forgot that i put a smile on the faces of so many people.

i also forgot that i was granted the opportunity to teach at a college that is truly changing the lives of those that attend it. i forgot that i was the teacher that students asked for. i forgot that by teaching an adult how to add 2+2, i changed her life. i changed his life. i changed their children's (and grandchildren's) lives.

i forgot that i put me second in coming back to my hometown. i forgot that i left a job (career) i loved and moved back to columbia because my family needed me. i forgot that the reason i left so many awesome people and wonderful opportunities was because i put what was best for others before what i wanted.

i forgot how much strength that all took. i forgot that through it all i have kept a smile on my face. i have put my all into the job i currently have (even when the tears stream down my face). i have joined organizations, served on boards, continued to give.

i am strong. i do have a family i cherish. i have a sweet puppy that has eyes of love only for me.

i might not be where i want to be professionally. i might be written off by some people because i hang out with my family. i might speak out of turn. i might enjoy a glass (or two) of wine. and i might not have many friends (much less a husband and children of my own).
but i am strong. and i do bring a completely different knowledge base to every meeting. every post. and every thought.

and i am on the journey. and on the journey you have to remember. remember the strength it takes to get up and move throughout each day. on the journey i have to remember: i am worth it. i am real. and i am strong. 

the weekend i became a fair queen judge.

(now where's my reality show?)

but really, this past weekend i became a fair queen judge. complete with bio announcement, special seating, and a light so i could write down my scores.

i must say, one of my favorite parts of the journey to fair queen judge was the drive north through the country. the endless farmland made me want to be a farmer (or a farmer's wife). even though i know what a tough life it can be... there's something simple and majestic that is on exhibit around every turn.
even in the man stopped on the side of the highway cutting wildflowers to take home to his (i'm guessing) sweetheart.

simple. i long for that. long for the chance to not worry about if i have the 'latest' clothes, 'latest' shoes, 'latest' boyfriend.
i want to raise children to appreciate the beauty around them. the beauty in the birth of an animal. the beauty in watching a storm take over the horizon.

to experience the nation. not just to experience the daily grind. i want to teach through exploration. learn through trying it out. and love because in the end, it's really all we can do.

do you want to run away with me? a camper? a computer? a camera? and maybe a stop along the way to judge a fair queen pageant...
(let's go. let's leave it all behind).

were you wondering?
i said i would be better at this. i promised myself i would be.
(and then i left town)

traveled via car through 11 states in a mere 10 days with stopovers in florida and texas. vacation is supposed to be therapeutic, relaxing, worthy of the time you take off from work... and i guess in many ways this jaunt across the southern states was all those things. but there's a piece of me that wonders now that i'm back and trying to get in the everyday groove.

was it?
i'll let you decide. stay tuned.

the journey to me. beginning.

yesterday. i said i should 'start writing. start thinking. start talking honestly. in a hope that reality is found.' today. i migrate blogs and aim to do that. welcome to this journey.below is a post from elsewhere that i wrote yesterday. i invite you to read it and others. to see who 'me' is and who 'me' is trying to be.

i might just win an award… for most absent blogger. but reality says (despite best intentions), that’s what happens when you move across states, start a new career, volunteer for multiple organizations, have family stresses to take care of, buy a condo, get a puppy, and actually would LIKE to have a social life.
in other words. i’ve been busy. the type of busy that is demanding, hectic, and most of all… tiring.
and now, 9 months after moving back to missouri, i’m finally at a place that it’s all slowed down (by a mere ONE or TWO mph, but still). i had questions posed by those around me. i had to think. i had to put the past year in perspective. i had to truly engage the past. 
where am i going? what am i doing? what do i want? what did not work previously? who am i?  
running (not in a literal, lace up your shoes and go outside way… but in a mental, occupy your time with anything else to keep from thinking about it way). that’s been my goal. to keep running. to stay as far from the answers as was possible at any given moment.
so now the question becomes… how do i get off this familiar path? how do i stop running and become ‘me?’ the full me. the adaptable and confident me. the me that is more than just… busy.
(i guess i start writing. start thinking. start talking honestly. in a hope that reality is found).